Radical Roots Somatics

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When You Don’t Love What You See in the Mirror

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In January, I was visited by some not so nice, persistent thoughts about my body. While this was my normal state of mind until my mid-thirties, I was a little surprised to be hosting them again. 

These intrusive thoughts were not very polite guests, screaming at how gross my belly and my thighs were every time I looked in the mirror. 

Fortunately, I know my thoughts often don’t reflect my truth.  I believe there was good in their intent to get my attention, and well, that was a message I wasn’t going to miss!  It worked! 

However, I also recognize objectively that there was nothing inherently unworthy about my body—or anyone else’s, for that matter.

Heading into my Somatic Experiencing™ Practitioner training at the end of January, I was curious what I would learn about these intrusive thoughts and my relationship to myself. 

Well, to be more honest, I wanted to show these guests the door and change the locks.  It is exhausting being told how ugly you are, even when you know those statements have no worth. 

One of the topics was systemic trauma and all of the ways that we can be harmed from the way laws, policies, beliefs, values and behaviors create and perpetuate the unfair, harmful and oppressive treatment of specific groups of people. 

I did not understand why, but I was aware that these body-loathing thoughts were connected to the stresses I had been feeling about my housing insecurity – how my chronic health issues limit the availability of appropriate housing, and how there’s absolutely nothing affordable available right now.

When it was my turn to receive a session, I found myself surrendering to a feeling of vulnerability where my body wanted to curl up in a fetal position.

And as I allowed my arms to hug my knees, I became aware of the sensations of my abdomen – the skin against my shirt, the movement of my muscles as I breathed.  Sensations that my brain only then had felt safe enough to heal. Sensations that my brain had apparently turned off for goodness knows how long…

The thoughts about the grossness of my belly and thighs were replaced with the delight of “I CAN FEEL!!!!  Hi Belly!  Hi Thighs!  I have missed you!” 

Years of mindfulness have never elicited such an authentic excitement about my belly.

***********

A truth I am learning in somatic healing is that you don’t know what you can’t feel, until you can feel it again.  I had no idea that I was not feeling the sensations from my abdomen. 

And you cannot truly love what you cannot feel.

You may think loving thoughts, but you cannot feel love for what you cannot feel. 

I share this as I know so many of us struggle with unkind thoughts towards ourselves, especially at this time of year where capitalism is pushing corporate “ideals” of love in images of white heteronormative, cis-gendered, abled-bodied, thin-bodied and middle to upper class people.

How can we feel love when the world force feeds us the lie that we are unlovable? How can we turn inward and connect to our own selves when the rat race keeps us so in fear of being without our basic needs?

An antidote to unloving thoughts is co-regulation.

Co-regulation describes the impact that people have on one another.  Our bodies have evolved so that we need one another. 

When a person (or pet) can stay in a state of calm and loving presence, we cannot help but become a little more unguarded.  And healing can only happen when we are feeling safe.

Which is why the isolation of systemic oppression is so harmful. 

While my partner was quite skilled as a somatic practitioner, the foundation of my healing experience came from the co-regulation they offered.  Even though I know as much as my partner does about the how-to of Somatic Experiencing™, I could not have had that experience on my own because the co-regulation would have been missing.

While nothing beats being together in person, co-regulation works virtually, and across time and space.  Before sitting down to write this, I got swept away watching a video of Traci Chapman performing Fast Car live.  That is co-regulation.

If you are struggling with unloving thoughts, I invite you to try being intentional about co-regulating.  Can you have a friend sit with you as you focus your awareness as you sit with those thoughts?  Do you have a pet that would sit on your lap, reminding you that no matter what you have experienced in your life, or how cruel the world can be, that there are moments of goodness too?  Is there a song or a show that allows you to feel as if all of your dreams have come true?

While it is true that we need more that sitting together and feeling good together to heal our personal and collective wounds, healing can only happen when we feel safe. Co-regulation is a great place to start falling in love with yourself (and life) all over again.

You should be your own true love.

With Love,

Tanya

P.S. If your relationship to yourself feels more like you are your own worst enemy, it is time to get support in disentangling your past experiences and conditioning from your sense of self and set some loving boundaries with your thoughts. I’d love to explore with you how I might help in a no pressure discovery call.

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Tis The Season of Overspending

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When Gift Buying Is Stressful

I love giving gifts.

There’s something truly magical about the thrill of finding the gift; that something special that says “I see who you are” and “I care about you.”

But let’s keep it real – this time of year can get extremely stressful. It’s like the season awakens our inner people-pleaser, and suddenly, we have lost ourselves.  There is nothing more distressing for our nervous systems than feeling not-ourselves.

So, let’s chat a bit about people-pleasing before we dive into the world of gift-giving and what seems inevitable over-spending.

First truth: we’re social beings. We need connections with others.  Never mind how difficult it would be to shelter and feed yourself without any help, our nervous systems need to be relating to other humans to grow and to thrive.  Being liked by others is a good thing.
 

However, the deep, meaningful connections we desire can’t be forced through people-pleasing.

“People-pleasing” is a stress response, where one strives to shape themselves into appearing into what they think another person or a community will accept and like, rather than connecting authentically.

Now, I get it. We all want our gifts to be appreciated, but there’s a difference between an expression of love and buying a gift to make the person think we have a lot of disposable income or we have good taste. 

For me, the people-pleasing struggle isn’t so much about the person receiving the gift – it’s more about me and my battle with consumerism.

Case in point: In October, I thought I was finally on top of the advent calendar game, and asked my child what type they wanted this year.   I was on the hunt for a Needoh fidget calendar, only to find that it had sold out in JULY –  cue the bad mom guilt.  Apparently good moms were on the hunt for advent calendars in JULY. 

But here’s the thing – my kid doesn’t need another 24 fidgets. They’ve got only two hands and a whole bin of fidgets already. The thought of the environmental consequences of every child getting 24 cheap toys made by poorly paid labourers in December before the post-Christmas toy mountain hits? It’s disheartening.

And then there’s that voice from my dad, grumbling about wasting hard-earned money. Not snagging the best deal means I’m a disrespectful, unloving daughter.

Limited edition toys, blind toys series, long awaited releases of toys mid December – it’s all about scarcity. Scarcity of time, resources, and money.

But here’s the truth – no one who truly loves you wants you stressed. All they want is an authentic connection with you. 

While we were mindful of having a useful advent calendar (also fidgets) last year, neither my child nor I can tell you what happened to the toys from previous years. 

So, how do we navigate the holiday shopping overwhelm?

First off, step away from those ads – they are designed to hit you in the most tender places and get you to buy without feeling.

Take a moment to get comfy and nourish yourself. Eat, hydrate, address those aches and pains, and make sure you’re warm.

Pick a person you want to gift. Imagine a few gifts that reflect who they are and what you love about them. This is just one opportunity to give – there will be many more chances. No need to go all out right now.

Now, think about how to get this gift. Does it have to be bought? If so, where? Can you find it second-hand or make it yourself? If crafting is your thing, can you afford the materials? If not, no worries – go for something store bought.

What gift feels good for you to give?

Now, hit the stores or your happy creative space, and find or make that perfect gift.

Let the experience of giving nourish and bring joy to you. After all, it should be enjoyable, right?

An Invitation

And hey, if the holiday chaos has you feeling overwhelmed or triggered, I’m here for you.

Consider this your invitation to some deeply nourishing support and a chance to heal past traumas and release the people pleasing patterns.

I’ve got space for two new clients to begin  before the year wraps up. Find more info at https://www.radicalboundaries.com/working-with-me/.


Wishing you a joyful and stress-free holiday season! 🌟

When You Can’t Get Unstuck

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Have you ever felt stuck trying to do something that you really wanted to do?  There’s no real logical, practical reason why you can’t, you’ve done much harder things in your life in much less supportive circumstances, but you just can’t start?

I’ve been sitting for a week, with a list of excellent topics to write about, but I couldn’t get anything out.

My body has been saying no.  Sometimes I would sit and just blank on the words, sometimes I’d feel a bit of a headache could be forecasting a migraine on the way, sometimes I would feel my shoulders seized against my neck. 

In somatic talk, we would say that I was having a “freeze” response.  Something was triggering a little too much for this moment, and the body and mind just wouldn’t cooperate. 

I tend to write better from at least a “fight” response, and there wasn’t anything stirring the fire in me.

The freeze response is all about hiding from predators – be very very quiet, don’t move at all.  It is the exact opposite of expressing oneself, being visible, reaching out and saying “Hi!  I have something to say!”

Freeze reactions actually tend to feel pretty good for me.  They feel so very familiar.  They feel so safe. People will leave you alone when you’re in freeze, so you’re not actively getting yourself into any more drama.   

At some point in my childhood (I mean, we were all raised this way), I learned that being in freeze was a good way to navigate life without being spanked or shamed or abandoned. 

For almost twenty years, I did a lot of yin style yoga because it is so very easy to go into freeze and chill there.

I’ve learned to stay away from “the comments” of any public social media post, for horribly violent things are said (and remain posted even when reported) towards anyone who is not one the small percentage of people deemed worthy of self expression by this culture (read people of a certain skin colour, body shape, gender, sexual orientation, faith and socioeconomic status).

Freeze states are really good at keeping us safe. 

But, I need to start showing up.  I have skills to practice, gifts to share, bills to pay, a body, mind and heart that needs connection.  But how do I do any of that if no one knows I am here? 

And how do I model the life of being engaged with life and neighbours for my child if I spend so much time in freeze?

You don’t thrive in freeze states. 

Somatic fanatics like myself tend to talk about our body’s responses as if they were very simple, linear reactions.  Flight, fright, freeze and engagement.

But we are so complex.  Each person is so very unique.

These reactions are not all or nothing.  When I sat to write, my entire body could not be deep in freeze.  Air flowed in and out my lungs.  My heart pumped sending blood pulsating through my limbs.  My cells were taking what they needed in and letting go of what they were done with. 

It was just enough freeze state that I couldn’t write.

In somatic experiencing, we honour what is, but also we look for what we want. 

So today, when I sat to write about this writer’s block stuckness, I scanned my body, heart and mind for what didn’t feel frozen.  I felt a chill rise up my back.  Movement is the opposite of freeze, so that was a start.  And the words slowly started to come. 

I find this “look for what you want” teaching so very useful in so many ways, but most of all to feed hope. 

The one truth about human existence is things change.  They can’t always be like this.

In my situation, there were two ways I could go.  I could slip deeper into that freeze, into a depression, and doubled down in guilt and shame for not getting anything done and struggled with making ends meet, which could quadruple down the guilt and shame..  Or I could find what in me wasn’t stagnant, and let that get things moving. 

That craving for chocolate, the impulse to get up and go to the kitchen, to have that bitter taste that wakes up my brain, and the inevitable chats with one of my cats – none of that is freeze.   All of that is my body saying yes to me, yes to this work, yes to this life.  

There’s deeper diving one can do in somatic experiencing to heal the tendencies to freeze (or to fight or flight or fawn or any reflexive response that isn’t supportive and connecting), but sometimes we just need to shift enough to get something important done.  

If you’re feeling stuck, please resist any guilt and shame that may be rising up.  Your body is just trying a strategy which has worked before at keeping you safe. 

If you’re feeling stuck, please resist the temptation to fall into despair – this too will change, nothing stays the same forever, but especially neurophysiological states. 

If you feel you’re finding yourself stuck so much that you’re having trouble reconnecting and staying connected to hope or your desires, please find some support.  You deserve to feel hope.  You deserve to feel your longings. 

With Love,

Tanya

We Don’t All Feel Love

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This week I shared an article I wrote in a Facebook women’s spiritual community, called “Letting the Love in.”

A woman responded that she wasn’t able to read the article, but that she doesn’t believe we let love in.  “We are love” she explained.

It is true.   We are Love.  It is all Love.  The Divine longs to fill us with Love, it longs for us to drink that Love so that it can fill us once again. 

AND there’s times where it is really effing hard to feel that Love.  There are times where it is impossible.

In sharing that article, I mentioned how timely it was as I was grieving the death of a young friend who struggled with addiction and a system unwilling to help.

It was hard for him to feel that He was Love. It was impossible for him to feel all of the love around him.

We are human, with human physiology. 

Our brains and their thoughts are shaped by the culture we are in.

Our culture, with its racism, homophobia, transphobia, fatphobia, albeism, Islamophobia, classism, antisemitism and all of the other phobias and -isms against aspects of people that are both beyond their control and at the core of who they are, tells so many people that they are not worthy of love at all. 

Even if you were born into the small percentage of people deemed worthy of love by this culture, it is very clear that that love is conditional, and your ability to meet those conditions is precarious.  If you feel worthy of love, this culture ensures that you fear losing that love.

If we are so lucky to know this truth that we are Love, then we need to stop shaming people when they don’t feel Love. 

If we are so lucky to know this truth that we are Love, then we need to show others that we believe they are Love to but fighting for their rights and belonging. 

If we are so lucky to know this truth that we are Love, then we need to let that Love flow towards those who aren’t so lucky.

Shame is not Love. 

Shame is a horrible teacher.

If seeing someone unable to feel Love triggers a fear response in you, I invite you to get support around that vulnerability.  You deserve to feel this Love without fear or shame.  We all do.  

With Love (though I sometimes don’t feel it!)

Tanya

Letting the Love In

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I got swept up into an overwhelm this week.

We had another flood in my apartment – the third in six weeks – on top of a number of other issues for the landlord to deal with that impacted both my ability to use the space and my health.

And I was really freaking swept up in the chaos of it all – anxious, unable to focus my attention, heart palpitations. 

And yet, people live for weeks, even months with their homes under renovations.  I have moved more than 40 times in my 46 years.  I lived in an ashram in India on and off for 5 years.  Why did this feel so much more challenging?

There’s a lot of goodness – unexplainable goodness in my life.  I am blessed in ways that I could have never dreamed – and yet this unexpected and repeated upheaval in my home was destabilizing me and I wasn’t feeling the love.  

I’ve heard the same thing from so many of the women I have worked with over the years, where any expression of pain and discontent comes with an apology and disclaimer that they do see the goodness in their lives too.  And, like it used to be for me, there’s a shame that they don’t feel that goodness.

How do we learn to let love in?

We definitely can’t shame ourselves into feeling the love.

First we need to accept that all of the love in our life won’t feel like “love.”  Because in self-preservation, our bodies will prioritize safety over “love.”    And like a mamma who yells and yanks their toddler out of the way of a vehicle, sometimes that self-love preservation is harsh, but it works. 

All of the hate and the other love in the world can not stop a mamma bear from keeping her cubs safe.  (and, sometimes mothers can smother and need help to step back and let their babies spread their wings – but that’s a whole other article).

Love isn’t just a starry gazed look deep into your eyes.  That part of you that feels lack, that feels irritated, that feels that something must change is love too.

And we still deserve the easy kind of love that sparks in our heart.  The kind of love that “love languages” try to capture.  The kind of love that makes everything look brighter.  The kind of love that softens our bodies and inspires us throughout the day.  


How do we get more of that love – when we can see love in our lives but don’t feel it?

A wise coach I work with (my business coach, who is also a Sufi healer) Mark Silver has encouraged me when I bring these big questions to him, to find the tiny little places where things do work and lean into those.  When do I really feel love?

Or find the places that do not work and go the opposite direction.  When do I not feel love? That self-preservation, inner mamma bear love will let you know the places that do not work.

The landlord fixing the leaking pipe but leaving a 6 foot hole – a dangerous situation for my cats – does not feel like love.  It took hours to booby trap the space, leaving it completely unusable,  in case my wildy-beasts breached my blockade (which of course they did, because they are cats).

My boss, who showers words of authentic affection on me every time we meet, as nice as it is, doesn’t spark my heart.  Yes, I can’t believe it – don’t we all long to be appreciated for our contributions?  I take it in, and am grateful, and it doesn’t spark my heart.  Too much wounding there maybe.

My kiddo grabbing my mask as they grab their own, without me asking them as we rush out the door late makes me ooey gooey mushy hearted. 

Being cared for and having some of my mental load cared for is how love gets in my heart. 

For you, maybe it is flowers or presents or words of appreciation or touch.  Maybe different people doing different things are going to be needed. 

Your heart is a sacred mystery that takes some effort to open – of course it does.  How could something so magical, so powerful not require a deep journey to unlock? 

In this world, it is a gift to know that you are surrounded by love and goodness – even if you can’t feel it.  That’s a freaking super-power, it really is. 

It is by magic that your heart needs its own secret offering to open up and reveal its beauty.  You are so worthy of that journey. 

With Love,
Tanya

Learning to Love My Mistakes

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I made a mistake.

A few mistakes actually.  I was expecting a pretty big fat cheque to come in early March.  And, in February,  I indulged in a few nice things for kiddo and I, thinking March would be easily covered by the fat cheque.

And then one payment from January didn’t come.  And another payment delayed indefinitely.  And then I learned the big fat cheque might come in July, maybe later.  And now I’m counting quarters trying to make March happen and it is only the 2nd.

At first, when the reality set in, I panicked inside. My mind went to how will we survive, but I know how to make ends meet on a very tight budget, so it wasn’t that. 

Years ago, this would have crushed me and everything I had built.  Like so many of you, I grew up believing that love and acceptance demanded perfection.  Mistakes were just cause for rejection. Mistakes made me freak out.  

Let me share how I held myself together this time. 

Practicing Perfect Imperfection.  

I have an amazing coach who praises perfect imperfection – thank you Holly.

Bad days are rarely personal.  Bad days are life.  No amount of good decision making and planning will avoid hard days. 

Life is far too complex.  We just can not control all of the things.  No person is an island, other people’s choices and actions will affect us. 

And we are human.  Humans will make mistakes.  If we don’t make mistakes, we don’t grow. 

Every infant falls after their first step.  But not taking that step would mean never walking. 

Life isn’t math.  There isn’t a set of rules that apply to all people all of the time, rules that if you would just follow them perfectly, you would get a perfect life. 

We will never know what we like if we don’t try.  We will never know who we are if we don’t try new ways of being. 

There’s a beauty in the diversity of this existence. But we must stretch ourselves to experience all that it has to offer. 

And trying new things means we’re not going to be masterful and successful and perfect all of the time.  To be human is to make mistakes.

We live in a culture where there aren’t cracks to fall in, there’s huge freaking gaping holes.  Our systems were not designed to support our well-being or allow us to playfully try new things. 

Not keeping all of the eggs in one basket should have been a foolproof plan, but sometimes all of the baskets get stolen.  You just don’t know. 

I made a mistake.  I took a few risks and others didn’t live up to my expectations.  It is okay that I wasn’t perfect.  It is okay that I didn’t expect others’ imperfections. 

No need to add shame to this mix.  Panicking isn’t going to help me bring in the money we need right now. 

If we are bound to make mistakes, in a culture that is unforgiving of mistakes, how do we not fall into despair? 

Nothing lasts forever, not even bad days.

A universal truth that grounds me is that every moment has infinite potential.  Our human minds cannot grasp the possibilities of what good can come. 

In fact, our brains are designed to prioritize keeping us safe, not imagining good outcomes – which is a good thing.  Life has its dangers.  We deserve to be safe.

Those thoughts of all of the bad that could happen are like a mother reflexively yelling out “Be careful!” as her children are clearly fully embracing the joy of play with not so much risk involved. 

At one point or another, those thoughts have done their job and saved you and I.  Brains like safety, and will promote whatever keeps us safe by hard wiring the safest patterns in our physiology.

Sometimes we can get really stuck in these patterns – but the brain is literally goo, it can be reshaped into healthier ways of working with the right support.

We also have “higher, more evolved” parts of our brains which can appreciate that these thoughts are not the whole story. 

We will have bad days, and harsh thoughts about ourselves.

But we will have good days too.  Nothing lasts forever, even bad days. We just can’t control when and where and how.

One bad day is not a bad-days-forever sentence. 

One bad day is not a sentence for rejection. 

One bad day is just a bad day.  A chance to look for more nourishment.  A chance to learn something new.  A chance to let others enjoy being a helper.  A chance to go deeper. 

But most importantly, a bad day or a bad decade, one mistake or a million mistakes, you are still worthy of love and acceptance and rest and play. 

With Love,

Tanya

The shift I made to this place of accepting my mistakes came from a gentle healing and retraining of my body’s reactions to stress, a service I now offer. If this article resonated with you, and you would like some support learning to love your mistakes and getting through bad days, please visit my Working with Me page.