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When Adulting is Hard

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Today, I couldn’t remember my phone number.  I spent the morning doing errands from home, and was contacting customer service of one company to arrange for a return.  I was asked all sorts of identifying questions.  I went blank on my own phone number. 

This reminded me of a woman I knew, who I will call Jane, who confided, when she was applying for legal aid, her mind went blank, and she struggled to remember basic identifying information, like her phone number.  Shame hit Jane hard – it was hard enough to accept that she needed Legal Aid to protect herself from her narcissistic ex, but for her to struggle with the application so badly was too much*.

So many of the things we consider basic adulting force us to face our wounds, triggering our physiological stress reactions.  The voices that tell us that we don’t work hard enough, we aren’t worth enough, we need much more money to fix all of our issues, but we need to be more before we can earn more…ugh, it hurts just writing about it.  I’ve checked social media three times and taken twenty pictures of my cats since starting this paragraph.  In these applications we can feel the echoes of the authoritarians of our youth who demanded that they had more power, that we needed their permission and their approval and that we only saw and felt what they saw and felt. 

What would make these situations healthful or even healing is to be met with a gentle, accepting other who witnesses and supports, who sees their role as making the process as easy as possible.  Can you imagine a medical receptionist who took a second to acknowledge how scared you must feel to be calling and asking for a same day appointment and guided you on your options when she didn’t have one to offer?  Could you imagine a customer service representative that was apologetic that their product didn’t live up to your needs and acknowledged that now you’re obliged to give time to a product you’ll never use.  Could you imagine – well, I can’t imagine what it would take for my bank app to feel like it saw just how stressful making ends meet could be after having ex’s steal from me and bosses not pay. 

And so many times, we face the opposite – we have to navigate digital systems often not tested for their user-friendliness and designed for a clean minimalist feel.  If we are “fortunate” enough to reach a human voice, it is likely someone underpaid, working in a crowded call center, who doesn’t have any support for how much pain they hear every single day.  They are rewarded for efficiency, meaning they are not free to listen and rather need to make the interaction as brief as possible. 

Of course, we’re going to procrastinate, get lost in our social media and leave things until completely unavoidable.  Of course, when we finally get started, we get overwhelmed with stress responses. 

It isn’t just you.  Adulting is hard.

But, there’s two things you can do to make it a little less hard and get that thing done. 

First, acknowledge how hard this is and that you can do hard things. Acknowledge how these physiological reactions aren’t very helpful right now, but at one point in time, they kept you safe enough to be here.  With time and support, you can teach your body new reactions, but right now, we kind of have to just push through.  Acknowledge that it may not go as it would if you were properly supported in the ways you deserve, but it will not always be like this either.  And finally, acknowledge that every moment has infinite potential.  Our wildest imagination cannot predict all the possibilities.  It may not go well, but you may be met with a miracle. 

Another very helpful thing is to have an accountability friend who can compassionately check in and see,  “did you get that hard thing done?” through a text or phone call.  Or have a kind loving presence (a friend, a pet, a teddy bear, or me – this is a service I offer my clients) sit with you, either in person, online or in your heart, while you do that hard thing.  These types of connections can help soften the hard wiring of those physiological stress reactions. 

If adulting is always hard, do know that support is available.  To learn about my work, please have a look at my “working with me” page. 

*To protect people’s privacy, when I tell stories of people other than me, I will always use the name Jane.  I also change the details of the stories such that I share the essence without giving away any identifying information of the real people involved.

Self-Sabotage: Why Is Healing So Hard?

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I don’t believe in Self-Sabotage. 

It makes no sense to me that we would have evolved or been created by divinity with a self destruct feature. 

And yet, once again, I have found myself resisting another opportunity for healing.  My business coach offers a virtual healing retreat every two months, with the pre-work meticulously organized into simple bite sized pieces, and just sitting for 12 minutes and focusing was too much yesterday.  I heard the recording but I just couldn’t listen.

I know very well it isn’t just me.  One of my biggest responsibilities in my work is supporting women in being able to make their sessions because once the healing begins, the no-shows and cancellations and reschedules begin. 

But I don’t believe in self-sabotage.  Yes, people often act in ways that may seem counterintuitive to how our culture dictates they should act and strive to “better” themselves.  I should be grateful to have such a wonderful healing opportunity, and by being grateful, I mean, forcing all of my effort into the practice such that I get as much healing as I can…you can see how ridiculous that is! 

I believe those acts are out of self love and self preservation – not sabotage.  Life is far harder than we acknowledge.  We are far more emotionally and neurologically malnourished than we can comprehend. 

Healing requires a vulnerability that we rarely have the support we need to allow.  

Trauma can take us into a neurological and physiological“frozen” state (as in fight, flight or freeze) which is adaptive in times of intense danger – don’t make a sound and don’t move and the predator won’t see you.  It isn’t self sabotage, it is self preservation. 

If that strategy is successful once, of course it makes sense that our body hard wires that pattern.  Safety is our brains’ number one priority – even though these patterns literally hurt physically and emotionally when they become chronic, being alive is better than anything else. 

The traumas that trigger these do not have to be car accidents, mass shootings or domestic violence.  For humans, which physiologically require social connection, the possibility of abandonment is enough for these patterns to activate for many of us.  Me included.

We are like water.  Water can be quite wild and unpredictable.  Icebergs can cause incredible damage.  Ice thawing in frozen pipes can burst through copper and flood your whole basement in minutes.  Steam can burn, leaving horrifically painful scars.  Trying to change and heal too quickly, too forcefully can really wreak havoc on your body, mind and heart.  Too much too soon will at best trade freeze for fight and flight.  

Physiologically, healing support and gentleness is from loving human connection that accepts us as we are.  You may have heard of the vagus nerve, or maybe the social engagement system – this is the physiological system that allows healing to happen, but only when we are in a safe social dynamic.

Our deepest selves know we must go gently and with support.  If we don’t have that, we will keep ourselves safely frozen, unseen and unheard, even if it means making choices that seem counter-intuitive, like “self-sabotage.” 

When you seem to be choosing not-healing, by not showing up for what “should” be good for you, or zoning out when you “should” be focusing, it is time to ask, how can I nourish myself more?  How can I call in more support? 

Please focus on the baby steps you can take.  There have been times in my life where I really couldn’t trust anyone – trust has to be earned, and after living through trauma, you need to go day by day, breath by breath.  Nothing was coming from the healing and therapeutic work I was doing because I couldn’t get into that physiological trusting connected state.  I had to start finding that loving and trusting connection within myself before being ready to welcome other support. 

Learning to feel the love and trust you have for yourself is the foundation of embodiment healing.   If you feel this maybe the missing piece on your inner journey, please check out my “Working with Me” page for more information on how I support women who feel stuck in the pain of abandonment or betrayal. 

It Is Time To Leave?

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February is here, and hearts are tender. 

I don’t know if it is just how our culture pushes one shape of perfect love in its commercialization of Valentine’s, or something about the depth of late winter, but I’m hearing a lot of women questioning “How do I know if it is time to move on? Staying is hard, but leaving would be harder.”

In all of the stories I am hearing, the impulse to leave is not heart inspired, but rather a push from close friends, family or maybe even a therapist – people who care, people who have her best interests at heart.

The truth is close relationships can be hard.  They are the work of the heart.  There’s only so deep we can go if we close off every time things get hard.  And relationships can seriously hurt us if we’re not careful with our hearts.  How do we know how to navigate such dangerous territory? 

***My disclaimer: If you can manage at least the minimum of your financial, physical and emotional responsibilities, there is no need to make a quick and drastic change to a relationship.  If your relationship is an obstacle to your responsibilities to yourself and others, you either need critical support to stay in or get out of the relationship***

Our culture has almost but abolished community love and placed all of the needs of each individual adult on to the shoulders of a married partner.  And painted a very sunny but limited picture of what that relationship should look like.  And that is a recipe for disaster for all intimacy.

Your heart will tell you in very clear terms if you are done with the relationship.

When the heart does not give a clear answer, the question we need to be asking is what are my needs?  In what ways can I get these needs met through multiple sources?  How can my heart be overfilled so that I am constantly drinking love no matter what happens to any one being?  When your heart has love coming in from all directions, it can speak more clearly.  When you are nourished, you’ll be better able to hear it. 

Whether you stay or go, you need community love. 

And while it is true that most humans, let alone groups, don’t know how to offer nourishment and love – if you begin by being clear with what your heart is needing, you are far more likely to find a community that is able to love you.

If connecting with what you need or reaching out for community feels hard, it is time to give yourself support.  You deserve to feel all that life has to offer.  For more about how I support women who have experienced the pain of abandonment and betrayal please visit my “Working with Me” page.

When You’re Overwhelmed by the Little Things

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I’m not big into astrology, but it is definitely true for me that Mercury retrogrades tend to be a time of big healings.   And perhaps even more so, a time of many, many, little irritations.  So many little irritating things.

Little irritations come up a lot in my work – be it Mercury retrograde or PMS, we tend to add to the irritation a huge dose of guilt and shame, “There is so much to be grateful for, why can’t I just focus on the good?”

There is a very good reason why we can’t just not worry and be happy.

We often don’t let ourselves fully feel the big stuff. 

Think about a really hard thing you experienced as an adult.  Then think about how a toddler would have dealt with it – a toddler hopefully would have had the comforts of another human as they sobbed and screamed and flailed until they couldn’t emote anymore.  They had both the opportunity to let their body process their emotions and an adult holding space.

Now, we don’t need to scream and sob every time we don’t get a cookie, but the big things do deserve an outlet – the break ups, the deaths, the life changing accidents and illnesses.  For simplicity, I’ll leave it at such big things – but the truth is that every moment of every day, our society is very hard on our bodies and hearts.

Our adult bodies still need the big movements and breaths of emoting, but few of us are able to express so freely and even fewer have supportive people who can hold a safe space for us to sob and scream and flail.  We become shaken up bottles of kombucha (or champagne or whatever your carbonated beverage of choice is) trying desperately to keep our lids on.  Little irritations are as much about the little frustrations as they are burping off some of the pressure building up.

Our bodies are wise.  Our minds can distract us for a bit, but we can’t trick our bodies into feeling something we don’t feel.  Distraction creates further disconnect between our bodies and minds, which usually causes our nervous system to freak out, adding anxiety or depression to the mix.  There’s wisdom in our feelings – including the little irritations. 

If you’ve guessed that I’m going to say we need to feel our feelings, you’re right.  But I’m going to go deeper as for years I would try, but I couldn’t figure out what that meant.  

Feel my feelings? I would try to sit still and just think “I’m irritated” but nothing would happen.  I was better off trying to resolve the little irritations – buy a new printer, rage tweet or whip off an email off to a politician.  At least I took an action that feels like it might have a chance of minimizing the trigger.  And while each action was probably worthwhile, my heart was still hurting. 

When you’ve been raised to be a “good girl” and not get too upset or too excited or too whatever, “feeling” your feelings can be as foreign as a new language.

The good news is that unlike a foreign language you’ve never heard before – you were born knowing how to feel your feelings, but at some point you learned to suppress them. 

That suppression has been encouraged everywhere – you’re working against generations of patriarchy here, so let’s go as gently as we can. 

What you feel doesn’t have to be connected to the story that created that feeling.  You may have decades worth of anger towards your mother, but your body doesn’t care who did what or who was right or wrong.  Your body just cares that it is angry. 

When I have feelings bottled up, I turn to “art.”  Now some people like to create with their feelings, but don’t worry.  I promised you easy, so if you’re like so many of us whose sense of creativity got squashed young and you have way too much baggage around drawing and dancing and singing – it is okay.  I’ve got you.  

When my feelings are stuck, the only thing that works for me is to  watch a movie or show or maybe listen to a song that I know will stir the same emotion.  I know, I know, for 20 years I prided myself for not owning a tv – but now I’ve come to find myself streaming my way to emotional health. 

Your body doesn’t care if you are feeling rage towards your ex or Michael Scott or the Rock’s characterization of Maui.  Your body just needs a safe space to feel the rage. 

We are of the first generations where people didn’t gather regularly to sit at the feet of storytellers.  Don’t deny yourself because the stories of our times are being streamed.  There’s really poorly written stories and there are great pieces of art – but honestly, anything that gets you feeling works.  You just need to crack the valve enough to get things moving so you can flow again.

If giving yourself permission to rest and feel is hard, it is time to give yourself support.  You deserve to feel all that life has to offer.  For more about how I support women who have experienced the pain of abandonment and rejection, please visit my “Working with Me” page. 

I wish you rest.

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Welcome to the January blahs.

I wish I had a more poetic introduction, but this is what you get.

It is mid-January after all.

I know I am not alone in spending way more time in bed than I normally do. I know that the January blahs will be the focus of my time with clients and conversations on social media.

Not just the blahs – but how the mismatch of energy and goals leads into spirals of guilt and shame.

If Santa could grant me one wish, I’d love for him to take away our guilt and shame about the January blahs.

We are a part of Nature. Just as our planet has its seasons, we too have times of harvest and times of fallow. We can’t produce, produce, produce. We need time to let our selves be replenished. In the Northern hemisphere, winter gives us the perfect weather for nourishing ourselves.

But capitalism has made it so there is no time more demanding and depleting than the December holidays. At a time when nature screams at us with her short days and long nights, “just go to bed!” we’re expected to go to party after party, shop late into the night, then get up in the wee hours of the morning to get all of the cooking done.

If we don’t allow ourselves to recouperate, we will have nothing left for next season.

“So what do I do with all of my resolutions and my vision board and my new day timers?” you may be asking.

You can let those too rest, for now. They will wait for you, I promise.

Since Santa is done for the year, this is my present for you:

You here by have my permission to rest.

First, make a to-do list of only the absolutely necessary must-dos for the next six weeks. The things that would have harsh consequences if they are not done now. What do you need to pay for the roof over your head and keep food in the fridge. What needs to be done so that your credit score doesn’t tank?

Then, make a separate list for the want-to-dos. Anything that comes to mind that is not a must-do. Don’t worry about getting it all on this list. This is a list that will come together in its own time. Think of it as a place to put seeds for planting later when the soil thaws.

Now, each day, for the next six weeks, do the bare minimum on the must-do list. When you manage that, set yourself up in the comfiest spot in your home and stay there. Align yourself so you can look out the window, up at the sky, away from that pile you want to Marie-Kondo and the upcycling projects.

Read, watch, and play whatever is easy. EASY. You have full permission to scroll social media aimlessly or play round after round of Candy Crush or WHATEVER IS EASY.

This may mean that you and those in your charge eat the bare minimum of nutrients, that the dishes pile up and the clean laundry and dirty laundry mountains sometimes mix up. No one will look back in six months or six years and recall what was eaten or what wasn’t cleaned up.

In simpler times, we’d have large extended families; what work had to be done was made light by many hands. We’d rest with the elders telling us stories and playing simple games by candlelight. This isn’t so different, except that you my friend are so much more depleted from trying to do it all on your own.

Now, only look at your “want-to-do” list when you’re bored too bits. Only get up when you’re body has the fidgets for being in one place so long. If you don’t look at the “want-to-do” list for the whole six weeks, don’t.

The only constant in this life is change – you can sink into the comforts of deep rest, knowing that it is in your nature to rise again.

If you feed your fire with enough rest, you won’t be able to hold yourself back when you get going. You will rebel against this self-imposed down-time like dandelions pushing through cracks in concrete.

If resting is hard, please reach out for more support. I’m here and would be honoured to help.

With Love,

Tanya