Radical Roots Somatics

frustration

When You Can’t Get Unstuck

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Have you ever felt stuck trying to do something that you really wanted to do?  There’s no real logical, practical reason why you can’t, you’ve done much harder things in your life in much less supportive circumstances, but you just can’t start?

I’ve been sitting for a week, with a list of excellent topics to write about, but I couldn’t get anything out.

My body has been saying no.  Sometimes I would sit and just blank on the words, sometimes I’d feel a bit of a headache could be forecasting a migraine on the way, sometimes I would feel my shoulders seized against my neck. 

In somatic talk, we would say that I was having a “freeze” response.  Something was triggering a little too much for this moment, and the body and mind just wouldn’t cooperate. 

I tend to write better from at least a “fight” response, and there wasn’t anything stirring the fire in me.

The freeze response is all about hiding from predators – be very very quiet, don’t move at all.  It is the exact opposite of expressing oneself, being visible, reaching out and saying “Hi!  I have something to say!”

Freeze reactions actually tend to feel pretty good for me.  They feel so very familiar.  They feel so safe. People will leave you alone when you’re in freeze, so you’re not actively getting yourself into any more drama.   

At some point in my childhood (I mean, we were all raised this way), I learned that being in freeze was a good way to navigate life without being spanked or shamed or abandoned. 

For almost twenty years, I did a lot of yin style yoga because it is so very easy to go into freeze and chill there.

I’ve learned to stay away from “the comments” of any public social media post, for horribly violent things are said (and remain posted even when reported) towards anyone who is not one the small percentage of people deemed worthy of self expression by this culture (read people of a certain skin colour, body shape, gender, sexual orientation, faith and socioeconomic status).

Freeze states are really good at keeping us safe. 

But, I need to start showing up.  I have skills to practice, gifts to share, bills to pay, a body, mind and heart that needs connection.  But how do I do any of that if no one knows I am here? 

And how do I model the life of being engaged with life and neighbours for my child if I spend so much time in freeze?

You don’t thrive in freeze states. 

Somatic fanatics like myself tend to talk about our body’s responses as if they were very simple, linear reactions.  Flight, fright, freeze and engagement.

But we are so complex.  Each person is so very unique.

These reactions are not all or nothing.  When I sat to write, my entire body could not be deep in freeze.  Air flowed in and out my lungs.  My heart pumped sending blood pulsating through my limbs.  My cells were taking what they needed in and letting go of what they were done with. 

It was just enough freeze state that I couldn’t write.

In somatic experiencing, we honour what is, but also we look for what we want. 

So today, when I sat to write about this writer’s block stuckness, I scanned my body, heart and mind for what didn’t feel frozen.  I felt a chill rise up my back.  Movement is the opposite of freeze, so that was a start.  And the words slowly started to come. 

I find this “look for what you want” teaching so very useful in so many ways, but most of all to feed hope. 

The one truth about human existence is things change.  They can’t always be like this.

In my situation, there were two ways I could go.  I could slip deeper into that freeze, into a depression, and doubled down in guilt and shame for not getting anything done and struggled with making ends meet, which could quadruple down the guilt and shame..  Or I could find what in me wasn’t stagnant, and let that get things moving. 

That craving for chocolate, the impulse to get up and go to the kitchen, to have that bitter taste that wakes up my brain, and the inevitable chats with one of my cats – none of that is freeze.   All of that is my body saying yes to me, yes to this work, yes to this life.  

There’s deeper diving one can do in somatic experiencing to heal the tendencies to freeze (or to fight or flight or fawn or any reflexive response that isn’t supportive and connecting), but sometimes we just need to shift enough to get something important done.  

If you’re feeling stuck, please resist any guilt and shame that may be rising up.  Your body is just trying a strategy which has worked before at keeping you safe. 

If you’re feeling stuck, please resist the temptation to fall into despair – this too will change, nothing stays the same forever, but especially neurophysiological states. 

If you feel you’re finding yourself stuck so much that you’re having trouble reconnecting and staying connected to hope or your desires, please find some support.  You deserve to feel hope.  You deserve to feel your longings. 

With Love,

Tanya

When You’re Overwhelmed by the Little Things

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I’m not big into astrology, but it is definitely true for me that Mercury retrogrades tend to be a time of big healings.   And perhaps even more so, a time of many, many, little irritations.  So many little irritating things.

Little irritations come up a lot in my work – be it Mercury retrograde or PMS, we tend to add to the irritation a huge dose of guilt and shame, “There is so much to be grateful for, why can’t I just focus on the good?”

There is a very good reason why we can’t just not worry and be happy.

We often don’t let ourselves fully feel the big stuff. 

Think about a really hard thing you experienced as an adult.  Then think about how a toddler would have dealt with it – a toddler hopefully would have had the comforts of another human as they sobbed and screamed and flailed until they couldn’t emote anymore.  They had both the opportunity to let their body process their emotions and an adult holding space.

Now, we don’t need to scream and sob every time we don’t get a cookie, but the big things do deserve an outlet – the break ups, the deaths, the life changing accidents and illnesses.  For simplicity, I’ll leave it at such big things – but the truth is that every moment of every day, our society is very hard on our bodies and hearts.

Our adult bodies still need the big movements and breaths of emoting, but few of us are able to express so freely and even fewer have supportive people who can hold a safe space for us to sob and scream and flail.  We become shaken up bottles of kombucha (or champagne or whatever your carbonated beverage of choice is) trying desperately to keep our lids on.  Little irritations are as much about the little frustrations as they are burping off some of the pressure building up.

Our bodies are wise.  Our minds can distract us for a bit, but we can’t trick our bodies into feeling something we don’t feel.  Distraction creates further disconnect between our bodies and minds, which usually causes our nervous system to freak out, adding anxiety or depression to the mix.  There’s wisdom in our feelings – including the little irritations. 

If you’ve guessed that I’m going to say we need to feel our feelings, you’re right.  But I’m going to go deeper as for years I would try, but I couldn’t figure out what that meant.  

Feel my feelings? I would try to sit still and just think “I’m irritated” but nothing would happen.  I was better off trying to resolve the little irritations – buy a new printer, rage tweet or whip off an email off to a politician.  At least I took an action that feels like it might have a chance of minimizing the trigger.  And while each action was probably worthwhile, my heart was still hurting. 

When you’ve been raised to be a “good girl” and not get too upset or too excited or too whatever, “feeling” your feelings can be as foreign as a new language.

The good news is that unlike a foreign language you’ve never heard before – you were born knowing how to feel your feelings, but at some point you learned to suppress them. 

That suppression has been encouraged everywhere – you’re working against generations of patriarchy here, so let’s go as gently as we can. 

What you feel doesn’t have to be connected to the story that created that feeling.  You may have decades worth of anger towards your mother, but your body doesn’t care who did what or who was right or wrong.  Your body just cares that it is angry. 

When I have feelings bottled up, I turn to “art.”  Now some people like to create with their feelings, but don’t worry.  I promised you easy, so if you’re like so many of us whose sense of creativity got squashed young and you have way too much baggage around drawing and dancing and singing – it is okay.  I’ve got you.  

When my feelings are stuck, the only thing that works for me is to  watch a movie or show or maybe listen to a song that I know will stir the same emotion.  I know, I know, for 20 years I prided myself for not owning a tv – but now I’ve come to find myself streaming my way to emotional health. 

Your body doesn’t care if you are feeling rage towards your ex or Michael Scott or the Rock’s characterization of Maui.  Your body just needs a safe space to feel the rage. 

We are of the first generations where people didn’t gather regularly to sit at the feet of storytellers.  Don’t deny yourself because the stories of our times are being streamed.  There’s really poorly written stories and there are great pieces of art – but honestly, anything that gets you feeling works.  You just need to crack the valve enough to get things moving so you can flow again.

If giving yourself permission to rest and feel is hard, it is time to give yourself support.  You deserve to feel all that life has to offer.  For more about how I support women who have experienced the pain of abandonment and rejection, please visit my “Working with Me” page.